August 25th, 2008
Mmm...
POSTED AT 12:45 AM
The more I see of Him, the more I like Him. The more I like Him, the more I want Him. The more I want Him, the more I wonder....
What am I doing?
Will He hurt me like the others did?
Everything I see of Him says no.. So I grin and look forward to every kiss, caress and spoken word.
His eyes hold a promise I have never seen before.
He will love, worship and obey me.
Until death do us part 
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August 19th, 2008
POSTED AT 05:16 PM
Even through the darkest days
This fire burns
Always.
Whatever will be shall be.
But it will be fun to see,
What will become of me.
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August 10th, 2008
Falling..
POSTED AT 04:40 PM
I am falling and I don't know if I want to be caught.
...Unless, of course, it is He that catches me.
*sigh*
I saw a beautiful thing last night and I cannot stop thinking about it. Brotherly love, perhaps, but I believe there was more to it than that. It was freezing, it was windy and it was raining. And there He was, without His jacket on, on his hands and knees fixing the damned battery in His brother's beat-up Acclaim, getting dirty, shocked and frozen. Why? Because He didn't want to leave His brother's car in the parking lot.
Whatever defences I had against Him have begun to melt.
And then.. He kissed me.
Argh.
It has been years since my stomach flip-flopped like that.
Stay strong, Dark Lady, do not let a pretty face break your defences..
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July 31st, 2008
My Last Seranade
POSTED AT 10:33 PM
Dearest You,
I never can say these things to you without you interrupting resulting in us going off on a tangent..Listen to me now and maybe it won't hurt so much. I want to tell you why I won't answer when you call, why I'm so standoffish.
We had been together for such a long time. How could we ever gain independance when we were always together? When I wasn't at work, I wanted to spend all of my time with you. Partly because I didn't have anyone else to hang out with but also because I enjoyed every minute we spent together. The only free time I ever seemed to have was during the weekends, when you wanted to catch up with your friends. I understood in the end, but at first, it really hurt. I felt you were picking them over me, even considering everything I had done to help you. Your friends weren't worth giving the time of day sometimes. Why would you want to spend time with them over me? I gave you everything I could give you, and when I couldn't give you anymore, I let you use my precious car. Why couldn't you ever take me out on a romantic date? How much fun did we have at Surfers, or when you made me walk on water..?
Why was it so hard for you to give me compliments? As a female, I thrive on them. You almost never said I was pretty- the only time I remember you saying anything regarding my looks was to question me about my hair or makeup. I worshipped you and you couldn't even manage a "wow, you're gorgeous." You always thought I was cheating on you even though I only ever had eyes for you. I feel like you
Forgive me if I am bitter, and forgive me if I am hurt. It all seems so pointless. Like a great waste of time. But I know it was more than that. I know you loved me with every breath you took. I know you only wanted me to be happy.. that's why you brought me home safely. Sometimes I miss you so much I feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes I hurt so much I want to die. What am I doing here alone? Why aren't you with me?
It's just so unfair.. I gave you 3 years of my life and I got nothing out of it.. I'm back home again, exactly where I started from! What was the fucking point..! Sure, I have a different car and different job, but now I have a 20k debt to my name and a broken heart..
I am hurting and I hurt you. This is why I don't want to talk to you. You deserve so much better than what I can offer. Let us go our separate ways and stop killing each other.
Such is life, I guess.
It's a hard game.
Then I forefit.
Forever yours,
xxx Me.
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July 13th, 2008
Fucking Males..
POSTED AT 09:59 AM
What am I to do when the only one that has ever understood me is over 2000km away? To know that it will be days and nights before I can see him again, IF I can see him again... IF he will allow it.
Part of me just wants to say "fuck it all" and move on with my life. Another part of me wants to make amends and help him see how much he truly means. There are so many parts of me, so many splinters. What do I do when the main part of me just wants to go back to Friday night? To when I was hanging out with a friend, giggling away as I drew on their window..
Last night, he went through five mood changes. Depressed, happy, lost, mournful and finally, angry. I'm sure it bothers me, but I just don't feel it yet. There must be something wrong with me, for I do not feel anything. Not anymore. I used to have a warm feeling in my belly whenever I saw him or spoke to him, like warm brandy on a frozen night. Now... If I were to analize that emotion, that hard little ball that tightens my mouth, I would only be inadvertantly hurting him.
And funnily enough, I don't want to hurt him anymore. I hurt him by slipping into my past so many times. First Bobby, then Bruce. I settled down, so I thought, until Brad came into my life. I understand that what I did was wrong. That it hurt him beyond words.. even if technically I didn't do anything.
If only life were more black and white, I'd have a better notion of what to do. Instead, this dreary gray is leeching all that was pure and good from me.. If I was ever pure and good.
Damn my heart, my wicked wicked heart. Why couldn't you just stay frozen?
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April 19th, 2008
Here, Darkness..
POSTED AT 12:20 AM
It seems that the longer I am here, the harder it is to be here. The longer that I stay here, the more aware I become of the fact that I do not belong here. I never did. I am away from my loving family. From my stability and security. Every day is a struggle to face up to what I have done. I wish I could take it all back..
Right now I feel torn and stretched. Every aspect in my life desperately wants something from me.
People at work are pretending I don't yearn to go home. They think that by ignoring my homesickness they are, in fact, banishing it from existance. They tell me I am a valued member of their team and that they do not know what they would do without me. I feel pressured to stay.
My ex lover is turning a blind eye to my sacrifice. He refuses to acknowledge my assistance in his career and life. If I wasn't still residing here, who else would take care of him? His family members can barely take care of their individual selves, let alone spend one iota caring for him. If he did not need me to feed him, I would be home by now.
My family is beckoning, longingly waiting for me to go to them. How can they forgive me after all that I have put them through?
I feel dirty, used and abused. Noone here truly appreciates me for who I am and what I have done.
Go ahead, call me names. Take advantage of me.
One day, I will plunge a knife through your wicked heart.
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January 25th, 2008
*-Save Tonight-*
POSTED AT 11:50 PM
Sometimes I'd wonder what it would be like to be alone. Without another human in the world, thoughts to be my only companion until the end of all time.
You know what? I don't think it'll be all that bad.
With no other person around, I won't get hurt. I won't get angry.
Best of all, I won't hurt another.
There's no need to worry about me going crazy, for I fear I am halfway there already.
And why does every mention of her bring me close to tears? Why do I care anymore, after all is said and done?
Love who you will.
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